#EmersonMarieObsessed

I'm obsessed with this kid, I tell ya. Obsessed. At least for today.

Parenthood is a funny thing. One minute you're all "my kid is a lunatic. She won't sleep, she's refusing bottles, and she's so cranky. She must hate me." (This was me two weeks ago.) The next second it's rainbows and butterflies and you're all "my kid is the best! She smiles at me and coos, takes 3 hour naps, goes to sleep without being rocked, and is sleeping through the night!*" And it's wonderful and you walk around with a smile on your face, singing her praises. In the back of your mind, you know it won't last forever, and another stormy period is on the horizon. But that's okay. Because right now things are sunny and you're gonna enjoy, damnit! That's where I am right now.

Today was my first day back at work.  You'd think it would've been a rough day, right? It started out interesting. E woke me up 10 minutes before my alarm which made me unreasonably angry. But that's okay. After she ate, I cuddled with her for as long as she'd let me, thinking about how I was going to be away from her all day. Then I realized she pooped up her back. Moment ruined. Thankfully she made up for it by going right down for a nap when I needed to get ready. (This kid is practically leaping into her swing for naps right now. It's crazy.)

As I got ready, I wondered if I would cry on the way to work. I'm not a super emotional person. Rational is a better description. I didn't cry at our wedding, and I didn't cry when Emmy was born. Still, you don't know how you'll react to something until you're in it. When I left the house she was napping, and I was fine on my drive to work. I knew she was in good hands (our sitter has been with us part-time since she was 6 weeks old) and I was just going to enjoy being out of the house for once.

Work was fine. Pretty uneventful. When I got home she was napping again and I couldn't wait to see that big smile on her face when she woke up. Well, that didn't happen. She woke up cranky and hungry. Not what I envisioned for my big moment.

But later on, something happened. As I sat with her in my bed, putting lotion on her, and changing her into pajamas, she was full of smiles and sweet coos. I put her on her stomach for her usual tummy time, and out of nowhere she rolled over for the first time. Something I had tried to get her to do before but she had showed no interest in ... she just did it, all of the sudden. Even she seemed shocked. We stayed in the bed awhile longer, just hanging out together, and I stared at her, smiling at me in her 3 month pajamas that are waaaaay too tight on her and need to be retired but her 6 month pjs were in the wash (mind you, she's not even 3 months old yet), and it just hit me how fast she is growing up ... and I kinda started to cry. Just a teeny tiny bit ... but still. I told her not to grow up to fast and to stay my sweet baby forever. I hope she heard me. Working, not working, whatever I do, I just want to cherish every moment I have with my girl.

Until the next stormy period. Then she's off to grandma's!

*if you count sleeping through night as putting her in bed with you so you can pop the pacifier in her mouth as quickly as possible each time she wakes up. Then yeah, she's sleeping through the night. 

My time as a stay-at-home mom

Otherwise known as my 3 month long ride on an emotional roller coaster. 

As I sit here the night before returning to work, I'm reflecting back on the last three months I've spent at home with my baby girl, and it's true what they say; time really does fly.

Never in my life have I had so many ups and downs. From the first blissful week at home, where I dreamed of having a hundred more cuddly little babies just as perfect as this one, to the second week, that for some reason seemed to stretch on forever, to now ... 12 (some long, some short) weeks later. I can't believe my time with her is already up.

It wasn't the most traditional maternity leave, given that I returned to part-time freelancing (from home) when she was 2 weeks old. At 6 weeks we hired a nanny to come over for about 12 hours a week so that I could get my work done uninterrupted. At first I was excited about it, and then I was hit with my first wave of mom guilt. Did I really need a nanny already? Just 6 weeks in? None of my SAHM friends have help. But the thing is, mom guilt is just another part of the job. I'm always going to find something to feel guilty about, so I just need to do what works for me. And it ended up being the best thing ever. The freelance I do more than pays for her time, and it gives me a couple of hours a day to do something other than mother, which makes me a better momma when I am spending time with her (instead of wishing she would take a nap so I can get work done). At about 8 weeks, the nanny proved invaluable when E stopped taking naps altogether. I couldn't have gotten my work done without her. Hey, it takes a village.

Now that the time has come to really return to work (my full-time, out-of-the-house job, not just the freelance I do on the side), I have such mixed feelings. On the one hand, I can't imagine not spending my days with Emmy. And I can't imagine someone else spending all of that time with her instead. There's a part of me that wants to be her sole caregiver, to soak up every single last moment that I can with her. On the other hand, there are days when I go absolutely crazy staying home with her all day. Days where I just need a break from having this tiny, needy little human attached to me at all times. So what's a momma to do? And why does it have to be all or nothing?

For now, I'm lucky, as I'm transitioning back into the workplace. I knew I wasn't ready to be full-time again, and I let my employer know that during my maternity leave. I'll be going back into the office for 3 days a week for the next 60 days. But eventually they'll want me back in the office full-time, and we'll have to decide if that's what's right for our family or not. It's a shame it has to be so cut and dry. "Will you be going back to work?," everyone asks. What if it's not that easy? What if I want to work, and want to have some part of my day that's mine, but maybe not for 40 hours a week? What if I want to spend more time with my baby girl than just an hour in the morning and an hour at night, if that? What if I want more? What if I want it all? Then what? I guess we'll just have to wait and see ...

Some of the moments I'll miss with her:

Don't grow up too fast baby girl!