My time as a stay-at-home mom

Otherwise known as my 3 month long ride on an emotional roller coaster. 

As I sit here the night before returning to work, I'm reflecting back on the last three months I've spent at home with my baby girl, and it's true what they say; time really does fly.

Never in my life have I had so many ups and downs. From the first blissful week at home, where I dreamed of having a hundred more cuddly little babies just as perfect as this one, to the second week, that for some reason seemed to stretch on forever, to now ... 12 (some long, some short) weeks later. I can't believe my time with her is already up.

It wasn't the most traditional maternity leave, given that I returned to part-time freelancing (from home) when she was 2 weeks old. At 6 weeks we hired a nanny to come over for about 12 hours a week so that I could get my work done uninterrupted. At first I was excited about it, and then I was hit with my first wave of mom guilt. Did I really need a nanny already? Just 6 weeks in? None of my SAHM friends have help. But the thing is, mom guilt is just another part of the job. I'm always going to find something to feel guilty about, so I just need to do what works for me. And it ended up being the best thing ever. The freelance I do more than pays for her time, and it gives me a couple of hours a day to do something other than mother, which makes me a better momma when I am spending time with her (instead of wishing she would take a nap so I can get work done). At about 8 weeks, the nanny proved invaluable when E stopped taking naps altogether. I couldn't have gotten my work done without her. Hey, it takes a village.

Now that the time has come to really return to work (my full-time, out-of-the-house job, not just the freelance I do on the side), I have such mixed feelings. On the one hand, I can't imagine not spending my days with Emmy. And I can't imagine someone else spending all of that time with her instead. There's a part of me that wants to be her sole caregiver, to soak up every single last moment that I can with her. On the other hand, there are days when I go absolutely crazy staying home with her all day. Days where I just need a break from having this tiny, needy little human attached to me at all times. So what's a momma to do? And why does it have to be all or nothing?

For now, I'm lucky, as I'm transitioning back into the workplace. I knew I wasn't ready to be full-time again, and I let my employer know that during my maternity leave. I'll be going back into the office for 3 days a week for the next 60 days. But eventually they'll want me back in the office full-time, and we'll have to decide if that's what's right for our family or not. It's a shame it has to be so cut and dry. "Will you be going back to work?," everyone asks. What if it's not that easy? What if I want to work, and want to have some part of my day that's mine, but maybe not for 40 hours a week? What if I want to spend more time with my baby girl than just an hour in the morning and an hour at night, if that? What if I want more? What if I want it all? Then what? I guess we'll just have to wait and see ...

Some of the moments I'll miss with her:

Don't grow up too fast baby girl!