Fear and family

I am a worrier by nature. I always have been. Unsurprisingly, the extent of my worrying has only worsened since becoming a mom. It makes sense, after all, the more you have to love in your life, the more you fear losing it all. It's something I think about often, as a lay in bed at night; how grateful I am for such a beautiful life, and how painstakingly aware I am that it can all change in an instant. Trying to acknowledge these fears without letting them take over can be a struggle ... and then last Monday happened.

It wasn't a typical Monday in that I had Emerson home with me instead of at daycare because she had been sick. It was a beautiful day out and I was entertaining the idea of putting her in the pool for the first time. At around 1pm, I put on a bathing suit and gathered up towels, sunscreen, a swim diaper and headed outside. As I walked towards the back door, I read a new text message from Alexis:

"Just in case you were on Facebook or watching the news I wanted to let u know first...there's a bomb threat at our hospital. Don't really know too much. Sheriffs dept should be here shortly"

Now of course I'm freaked out, but I'm telling myself to stay calm, it's probably nothing. Just a threat, not real. I replied "are you evacuating?" and wait a very long few minutes before he responds, "Active shooter."

And then I lost it.

With tears streaming down my face I place Emerson in a bouncer and start searching the internet for more information, but there's nothing. I turn on the TV,  and there's nothing on the news either. I send Alexis a text message asking him to let me know when he is safe and telling him I love him. As much as I want to know what's going on, I want him to focus on staying safe, and not worry about answering my texts. Scenes from television shows like Grey's Anatomy and Chicago Fire flash before my eyes, where people are hiding behind furniture and you see the heavy black boots of a gunman slowly walk by them. Emerson starts to cry and I try to calm her as I constantly hit refresh on every "breaking news" website I can find. For thirteen long minutes I just wait and hit refresh. Wait and hit refresh ... while trying not to let my mind wander to incredibly frightening places.

Finally, he responds "Everything is ok. I guess they have it contained. Opening up the doors now."

Oh, the relief. Sweet relief. I had NEVER been filled with so much fear before in my life.  I honestly cannot even describe the anxiety, pain and terror I felt while waiting for him to respond. I told him I was still freaked out and I wished he could come home, but I already knew he'd be there till 7 pm as usual.

When he did come home, we didn't say too much to each other. I finished cooking dinner, and he put Emerson to bed. When we sat down to eat, he told me the entire story. That someone had called in a bomb threat and warned that no one would know when it was coming. A code was called throughout the building and the doors were locked. The lights were cut off, and the landlines were dead. They had to move people close to the exits to prepare for an evacuation, but couldn't immediately evacuate in case the bomber was outside watching. There was NOT an active shooter, thank God. The police got the call that there was, but it sounds like it was a miscommunication from someone in the building calling out to his or her family and then the family calling the police. SWAT came in and did a sweep of the building and eventually gave the all clear.

I am unbelievably thankful that no one was hurt and that there was not a shooter. I realize how incredibly lucky we are. But even now, a week later, I'm not sure what to take away from this situation, especially considering the threat is still out there, just hanging over our heads. I'm sad that we live in a world where we have to worry about these things. I'm grateful for the people who work to keep us safe, and can't imagine what their families go through on a daily basis, as they must live with this kind of fear all of the time. I wish that I had a profound takeaway from everything that happened, but all I can really do is give thanks, hold my family a little tighter, and suggest that everyone else does the same. Each day is a gift, not a guarantee, and life can change in an instant. So the next time you find yourself getting stressed out, just stop, take a breath, and try to laugh it off. Because unless the situation is life or death, it probably won't matter much in a day, a week or a year. Your family and friends, however ... they matter. So don't hesitate to let them know. It will probably be the most important thing you do all day.